Happy Birthday Lavanya

In the beginning, we were together, briefly.

Dear Daughter Lavanya,

Today is your third birthday. Just like the first and the second, I am absent.

No one will think of asking us what we wish. You; too young to know or remember me and I too trapped by Indian law and legal system to get my rights as your father. Which includes breaking the blockade your grandfather, grandmother and mother have thrown around you. May you never find out their true nature, for it is masked from you by genuine delight in your existence. Just their hate makes them deny the same delight to your father.

Your first birthday, mother and cake.

I never saw you start talking, walking and become a personality on to yourself with a name and an identity. If we were to meet, you would have to be introduced to me. You see, you do not know your father since you achieved cognition.So as you grow, and I remain increasingly apart, there is but one thing I would like to do.

Since I cannot be around to be a father, I would like to leave you in far more capable hands than mine. Jesus is your father. Since I cannot be around, I pray on this third birthday that he may take care of you in your life and that you may know him as your father. He is my God.
I believe in him by choice, not by birth or compulsion. All I know is, my God suffered.
May God always bless you, my dear child. I love you so much it hurts. So much so that I feel grateful to have stayed alive to write this to you today.

Be all you want in life. End all you wish in life.

Always,
- Arunesh 

A forgotten father's letter to his daughter!

Dear Lavanya,


I find it increasingly difficult to hold on to my memories of you, knowing that I may not even recognize you based on those memories. I think I am finally learning to live with the pain. I do try to remind myself that there is someone as beautiful as you in this world but the feeling of being torn apart is larger and hurts more.


I don't think you know me and are too young to cognize the absence of a father. In any case, your grandparents and mother will surely take care to make you understand the difference. What they won't do is explain the difference in their story and mine, but I expect a smart kid like you will eventually grow up to be shall figure it out for herself. 


I failed to keep myself, girl, unaffected by the last year. I wanted to be worthy and succeeded. Then I realized that I would not be allowed by your grandfather to see you, in spite of changing. You see, while I was trying to find my pride in landing a good job, your mother had changed too. I haven't spoken to her for more than a year and I have no way of knowing. So there you have it. I would like to know about my wife and daughter but I can't. Besides, your mother does not want to know and won't.


I don't expect you to have any recollection of the months you spent at my house after you were born. You had (another) grandmother, a dog and ignored the whale song I played to put you to sleep. Yes, there was also anger, fights, worry, fear of the lack of money and dueling mothers-in-law. But since then, all that's left is probably just a surname to you.


All that is actually left is a 100-year old dog and a father who has no idea how to continue his life. Once the 'moving finger has writ; all of your piety and wit can change not but one line of it.'*


So now I think of what to say since this letter may never find it's way to you. Should it be the one thing that children never hear and parents can't say enough; that 'I love you.' I don't expect much in the way of forgiveness as a practice so 'God bless you.' Those are the words I remember since I was as small as you. Be good, be all you can and ever want to be. It's your life, so let's not be wasting any more time on me.


All my best, always.
Your father,
Arunesh

My baby girl