(Perhaps) Life Portrayed

27 July 2010

6:25pm

Quite alone, sad and broke; has to be one of the lowest times in my life. Today evening I shall meditate on God to keep my mind calm. I must not struggle. Everyone has been removed and I am on my own. Now to find work and keep myself alive for the rest of my life.

28^th

5:40pm

Things shake at times and I still go through my job hunting, food, washing chores. Money’s over. Gave some old rice to the maid. I’ve learned that I no longer have a background that I can depend on. All I can do is take which ever opportunity that comes and save myself. I’m not doing to good but at least there’s no cold sweat and fever like two nights ago. Had another bout of whatever it was in the afternoon today. Prayed and stared at plants till I could get moving and so I made some food for me and the dog after that.

29^th

10:00 am

I must stop these feelings of desperation and anxiety. I must slow my breathing and not gasp. I must remain calm. “It’s the same old fight, win or lose, it’s the same abuse.” As Radha said, I should only talk after getting a job. I’m scared that I am getting tired chasing bigger jobs instead. I’m not sure what I am saying will come about.

Everybody has been drilling so much of what I must do that I no longer know what I want. One thing is clear, I was not meant to live like this. All this while, I’ve been trying to perform my duties without being selfish about success. So now my duties are removed or as a failure, I can no longer perform my duties to myself. Everyday swings between boredom, fear, simple actions to keep me going and frequent tears. So I know that since I am alone, I won’t take a job that will make me less than what I am. I should also become a little harder on others in this foolish game we play called life. Right now I have to stop my wildly lurching mind and heart. I must not feel so bad about being alone. I must fight it. I will always be along. I will die along. Since I am a loner, most people cannot bear to see my tears. All the strife I’ve had is somehow an ideal learning battleground but definitely not the pasture I wish to own.

I will find work. I will struggle till things look up. I will find my self-respect. I will find my pride and joy. I will stop trusting new comers in my life. I must reach deep into the game and pocket the loot. I will find the maturity required to painfully build (or re-build) over a long time instead of the momentary pleasure of breaking them down.

MORE: BLACK MOON FROM JUNE

48 kilos of metal

18 (20kg) sacks of clothes

10 kilos of electronic circuitry

2 tvs

1 sewing maching

One bucket in the wake of the flood

WNEAIDETYEPCAEFCXIOM

Casey Jones Moments

Select the most correct option:

a) The great man is lost in thought.
b) The great thought is lost in man.
c) The great lost is thought in man.

Life In Delhi

I came to Delhi last.
From train windows
I grew childhood associations
From Delhi, I went the most
In all four directions
And returned to rest

In Delhi, I grew the most
From boyish wastrel
To the husk of a man In those windows
I kept my signs
From those rooftops I painted designs
(Needless to say, on the sky)
On those staircases
I heard voices
Stopped to pee

I miss those elevators
That never seem to work
In these colleges
I learnt to rock
From these markets
I learnt wholesale talk
On these roads
I learnt to ride
I also broke a tibia and fibula
- period.