5 Paintings of Me

2 months back I did five odd paintings as self-prescribed art therapy.
It was getting difficult for me to think in words, since I was back writing storyboards at work and after work, my thoughts had the same old things going round and round in my head. Needless to say, I was trying to deal with being left in lurch limbo by my wife, who took my baby girl away as well.

this was the first, while my wife was still around and is my tribute to Santana's cover of Arabaxas, the actual painting is called the Black Madonna.

did this next, needless to say i was missing the wife and kid and

Third, needed to work it out within myself.

grew a little tired of too much and tried to be minimal and differently colored

fifth made me realize that what i like best about my work is that I can stare at it for hours and still see things

in this, the last one, i pulled out all stops. in a sense it is also my current position in life

Way I am now

Its been six months since i saw my baby girl. By now she must have started talking and would be taking her first steps.

It didn't take much more than me not having a job for four months and a fight where she was abusing my dead mother and in retaliation I lied that I was gathering just such evidence. Her mother's voice in the background told her, 'Enough, now stop.' And that was the last I saw of them. Poor things, living at my father-in-laws house with all amenities and me not having any source of income must have really stressed them out. Still I love them and miss them through the daylong and waking nights.

Since then, I have tried calling, mailing, posting and even visiting the apartments where they live only to be told by the guard at the gate that they did not want to meet me, or they had no time, etc. I went there on Independence day when I got a job and later on Diwali. Now I will be too broke through Christmas and New Year to think about any moves. I still need three more weeks to get completely out of debt and pay off the back rent to my landlord that is pending from the jobless months. 

Not that I managed much, my first job was with an HR contractor as 3rd party labor which sucked, but now I am well ensconced in a huge organization and directly on the payroll. I got rid of over 100 kilos of stuff in the house, ranging from books, metal, dishes, electronics, extra tv sets, and now I plan to cut down from my pre-marital number of bikes from four to two. I have managed to get both hands on the job, survived these months against massive isolation (true, my mom who passed away in Feb this year had a lot to do with my current predicament. As I got used to living with people around and having someone there in the house to talk to whenever.) and am no longer sandbagged by the sight of couples with kids, small babies and things which remind me of what I love, miss, mistook and learned I should have hung on to without opening my mouth. Where I have learned to open my mouth and ask for help was with friends, who literally kept me and my dog alive through those initial, bewildered months on my own.

Now I know that she's been away too long to be able to face me directly without finding some noisy higher ground and I try and imagine not saying anything because what's been done is beyond my feelings and talking about it. Nor do I want to create a scene, like when spurned at the gate. I have seen enough of that and for a while, my mother and I were mistaken that we could be like my wife and her family who just love shouting matches. Probably living with my father in law who is a former cricketer (and current-day sweet shop partner in old Delhi)  has something to do with their natural tendency and tolerance to noisy fights.

Way it seems to me, since I have nothing left to loose, I shall stick to the truth as it makes it clear who's right and wronged. Won't have to change a thing that way and be truthful, which I swore to be in life since I survived my few near-death escapades. They have everything, including my daughter who is very much a reason for my existence, my wife who has run out of rebellion and strength to go against dear old dad and thanks to a little social engineering, have managed to keep me away from her. That besides the fact that I have absolutely no intentions of doing anything unlawful or force anyone. I have always kept the door open for my wife, which she used on couple of occasions after fights. I didn't complain or resist when her dad called the cops and I did not pay off anyone to get off the police hook. I got booked for disturbing the peace and paid a fine and did my six months of probation even while the wife had come back to me after the big fight and mom had died (against her father's wishes, who said something to the effect that she had also stabbed him in the back). Then I got laid off at work.

No wonder I listen to reggae more than rock.

It happened at night

when i first met your mother
i was just another poet, biker, lover
until the day things happened at night
Yeah, that's how you were born all right

we never knew what to do
but we knew for sure
when it came to marriage, i gave my word
that it was a fight to keep you
alive and all right, early bird

you came home in the third month
but your mom still pulled a matrimonial stunt
I knew right then things would change
my life started to re-arrange
until te day things happened at night
my mother, her mother and your mother started to fight

i tried but we were all so uptight
her father even put me in jail for a night
by the next morning, friends had me sprung
but it was the begening of the end of fun

i loved her but it wasn't enough
me mum died swearing I'd be tough
she came back but things went rough
and her father took you both away
just when he learnt i'd lost my job

since i had no money, he thought it right
to rob a father of his daughter and his rights
now a father the grandfather of his daughter can curse
Still i don't need to know i came out worse

It just happened one night
I learned never, never again to fight
now the moon's her and you are the evening star
If you want to, you can always be my daughter
You will always be and if you are my daughter
I know you will understand.

It happened at night
It happened at night

Outside My Window

Outside my window is a street
There you used to be when we used to meet

You called a friend and said what
First left from the gate then left again
knock on the first window on the right
Not too hard a house to spot

All those evenings I came home
You didn't wait for the engine to stop
Right at the gate, right at the door
Holding my baby who could ask for more

[Br.]
Then there were dark days
When clouds came into our room
Until I had to ask if the tears
Don't stop, could I drown?


In the valley of cold wind now..
[Ch.]
Outside my window is a street
There you used to be when we used to meet

its getting colder in delhi and I am getting more into work. doing everything from recording scratch voice overs to storyboards, reviews and now i have to firm out a few processes. i got to survive till next month, when i can pay back some remaining debts and even get a little bike action going. meanwhile, have been junking stuff from the house to lighten my load for when i move houses in spring. also need to save money to pay back those who spent on my daughter's hospital bills. start sending some money to the spouse as well, estranged it may seem but i still love that woman. just managed to get my mind in check and no longer get emotionally mugged by sights of family life and baby girls. still every day i mist them. years of having people around has given me a habit of wanting to talk to someone. i thought i was a home boy. now am a home alone man. thank god for the dog. strangely in these times, it was easy to get laid off work, fall off the mountain, see the wife walk off with baby and not want to know me now, fight fire with fire and generally do inadvertent damage. It is harder to climb back on the career ladder, i finished my HR vendor contract and have found happiness as a permanent employee with a huge major. i like being an instruction designer again and have a spiritualist for a boss. now i need to get out of debt and save up. shift home and finish what was for years my life living with my mother. must remember to be the change i want to experience in the world (as the Mahatma said). that's what all positivism boils down to. amen.

http://www.matrimonialbank.com/jokes.html

e-will

‘Evil begins when you begin to treat people as things.’ And right now it would happen if you thought there was a thing called a father, and a thing called a mother, and a thing called a daughter, and a thing called a cottage, and told yourself that if you put them all together; you have a thing called a happy family.

You can make Agreements that:

Protect your rights only     or     Respect your spouse's rights too

Are only good for you     or     Are good for everyone

Give your spouse less     or     Give your spouse what is rightfully theirs

Do not inconvenience you     or     Work well for everyone

Need frequent court hearings to enforce     or     Need no court hearings to enforce