Way I am now

Its been six months since i saw my baby girl. By now she must have started talking and would be taking her first steps.

It didn't take much more than me not having a job for four months and a fight where she was abusing my dead mother and in retaliation I lied that I was gathering just such evidence. Her mother's voice in the background told her, 'Enough, now stop.' And that was the last I saw of them. Poor things, living at my father-in-laws house with all amenities and me not having any source of income must have really stressed them out. Still I love them and miss them through the daylong and waking nights.

Since then, I have tried calling, mailing, posting and even visiting the apartments where they live only to be told by the guard at the gate that they did not want to meet me, or they had no time, etc. I went there on Independence day when I got a job and later on Diwali. Now I will be too broke through Christmas and New Year to think about any moves. I still need three more weeks to get completely out of debt and pay off the back rent to my landlord that is pending from the jobless months. 

Not that I managed much, my first job was with an HR contractor as 3rd party labor which sucked, but now I am well ensconced in a huge organization and directly on the payroll. I got rid of over 100 kilos of stuff in the house, ranging from books, metal, dishes, electronics, extra tv sets, and now I plan to cut down from my pre-marital number of bikes from four to two. I have managed to get both hands on the job, survived these months against massive isolation (true, my mom who passed away in Feb this year had a lot to do with my current predicament. As I got used to living with people around and having someone there in the house to talk to whenever.) and am no longer sandbagged by the sight of couples with kids, small babies and things which remind me of what I love, miss, mistook and learned I should have hung on to without opening my mouth. Where I have learned to open my mouth and ask for help was with friends, who literally kept me and my dog alive through those initial, bewildered months on my own.

Now I know that she's been away too long to be able to face me directly without finding some noisy higher ground and I try and imagine not saying anything because what's been done is beyond my feelings and talking about it. Nor do I want to create a scene, like when spurned at the gate. I have seen enough of that and for a while, my mother and I were mistaken that we could be like my wife and her family who just love shouting matches. Probably living with my father in law who is a former cricketer (and current-day sweet shop partner in old Delhi)  has something to do with their natural tendency and tolerance to noisy fights.

Way it seems to me, since I have nothing left to loose, I shall stick to the truth as it makes it clear who's right and wronged. Won't have to change a thing that way and be truthful, which I swore to be in life since I survived my few near-death escapades. They have everything, including my daughter who is very much a reason for my existence, my wife who has run out of rebellion and strength to go against dear old dad and thanks to a little social engineering, have managed to keep me away from her. That besides the fact that I have absolutely no intentions of doing anything unlawful or force anyone. I have always kept the door open for my wife, which she used on couple of occasions after fights. I didn't complain or resist when her dad called the cops and I did not pay off anyone to get off the police hook. I got booked for disturbing the peace and paid a fine and did my six months of probation even while the wife had come back to me after the big fight and mom had died (against her father's wishes, who said something to the effect that she had also stabbed him in the back). Then I got laid off at work.

No wonder I listen to reggae more than rock.