once

once we were young and took things easily. Now i hate being alone and am overwrought by my thoughts of my daughter. Must become a workaholic at this rate since my job is the best thing that has happened to me in years. Maybe i should look at my work as my wife and my ever present laptop computer as my baby. No jokes, i need the dislocation or transference to keep me going. All day I hear and see kids and try and keep my mind blank so that i dont fall down right there and break into pieces. I know i am strong because i have survived so much already. I just don't know how strong and don't respect strength that comes from surviving. Its a skill that i needed to learn to keep me alive as a kid but i always believed my strength should come from what i can create in life or change for the better in this world. some of us have made the grade and others have stared at a hard life in the face. truly none is greater or lesser than the other. life's randomness must make playthings out of us for our gods amusement. yesterday was half washing machine and half whiskey bottle. today was spent in a fell swoon sleeping through last week. slowly i push various rocks up the mountain in an aesthetic and snobbish fashion. to explain survival skills: since i stopped insisting i was right when i knew i was wrong people have been getting the best of me. literally getting the best of my behavior and abusing me. it happens because i love the buggers and won't be drawn into the temptation of being as bad. i refuse to live as an animal and will survive as a man. until Stoicism ensures my mobile face never makes a call.