Ignorance Wiss Blas!

30 June 2010 Wednesday

Yesterday was my baby’s first birthday. A momentous occasion for most fathers except me. I was absent. Walking gloom in search of a job, selling things I used to be proud of to maintain and dreading the noisy emptiness. One of those few situations when the castle walls shriek at the ghost within.

Never felt so bad before.

Glad to let the pain wake me to the world that I ignored. Ignorance wass bliss. Now I’m counting coins looking at old photographs of real people who broke down along the way and sold everything they could. Today evening’s call centre interview for debt consolidation tele-marketeers. Night shifts, five days a week. I hope I have money left to buy bread after printing out my bio.

One part of me is linked to the past and rends its clothers and wails while the other takes it firmly by the shoulders and says, ‘Look, small steps first. Trial interview, okay? Let’s see how it goes.’ Will her mother think I got over my initial stumbles or will she point out that I started on the wrong foot? How much of me is drifting in the winds of others opinion? How much should I discard on being told. I know this; one stage is over and I’m still clearing the just before the next.