A forgotten father's letter to his daughter!

Dear Lavanya,


I find it increasingly difficult to hold on to my memories of you, knowing that I may not even recognize you based on those memories. I think I am finally learning to live with the pain. I do try to remind myself that there is someone as beautiful as you in this world but the feeling of being torn apart is larger and hurts more.


I don't think you know me and are too young to cognize the absence of a father. In any case, your grandparents and mother will surely take care to make you understand the difference. What they won't do is explain the difference in their story and mine, but I expect a smart kid like you will eventually grow up to be shall figure it out for herself. 


I failed to keep myself, girl, unaffected by the last year. I wanted to be worthy and succeeded. Then I realized that I would not be allowed by your grandfather to see you, in spite of changing. You see, while I was trying to find my pride in landing a good job, your mother had changed too. I haven't spoken to her for more than a year and I have no way of knowing. So there you have it. I would like to know about my wife and daughter but I can't. Besides, your mother does not want to know and won't.


I don't expect you to have any recollection of the months you spent at my house after you were born. You had (another) grandmother, a dog and ignored the whale song I played to put you to sleep. Yes, there was also anger, fights, worry, fear of the lack of money and dueling mothers-in-law. But since then, all that's left is probably just a surname to you.


All that is actually left is a 100-year old dog and a father who has no idea how to continue his life. Once the 'moving finger has writ; all of your piety and wit can change not but one line of it.'*


So now I think of what to say since this letter may never find it's way to you. Should it be the one thing that children never hear and parents can't say enough; that 'I love you.' I don't expect much in the way of forgiveness as a practice so 'God bless you.' Those are the words I remember since I was as small as you. Be good, be all you can and ever want to be. It's your life, so let's not be wasting any more time on me.


All my best, always.
Your father,
Arunesh

Elvis Costello said it best!

I saw a newspaper picture from the political campaign
A woman was kissing a child, who was obviously in pain
She spills with compassion, as that young childs
Face in her hands she grips
Can you imagine all that greed and avarice
Coming down on that childs lips

Well I hope I don't die too soon
I pray the lord my soul to save
Oh I'll be a good boy, Im trying so hard to behave
Because there's one thing I know, I'd like to live
Long enough to savour
That's when they finally put you in the ground
Ill stand on your grave and tramp the dirt down

When england was the whore of the world
Margeret was her madam
And the future looked as bright and as clear as
The black tarmacadam
Well I hope that she sleeps well at night, isnt
Haunted by every tiny detail
Cos when she held that lovely face in her hands
All she thought of was betrayal

And now the cynical ones say that it all ends the same in the long run
Try telling that to the desperate father who just squeezed the life from his only son
And how it's only voices in your head and dreams you never dreamt
Try telling him the subtle difference between justice and contempt
Try telling me she isn't angry with this pitiful discontent
When they flaunt it in your face as you line up for punishment
And then expect you to say thank you straighten up, look proud and pleased
Because youve only got the symptoms, you haven't got the whole disease
Just like a schoolboy, whose heads like a tin-can
Filled up with dreams then poured down the drain
Try telling that to the boys on both sides, being blown to bits or beaten and maimed
Who takes all the glory and none of the shame

Well I hope you live long now, I pray the lord your soul to keep
I think I'll be going before we fold our arms and start to weep
I never thought for a moment that human life could be so cheap
Cos when they finally put you in the ground
They'll stand there laughing and tramp the dirt down

you must stay, little darling
when your crawling feet are safe
mommy loves you little darling
wait for these things to shape

meanwhile dream a little while longer
just missing things got a little stronger
meanwhile there are things to do
understand father needs to...

sweet shop sindhi-bengali mix
ooh, you were such a minx
that burfi halwa from Karachi
never thought you'd be so swarthi

paint shop arts at the start
beds popping bubble sheet mats
each time anyone moved to receive
the truth we dared to conceive

till now i cared no less for cricket
I know I'm Indian, its weird
then i met my ranji-walli father in law
now i absolutely hate it

he's the cream
He has my only dream
He has my baby
He has his own too
So why mine, i scream
father in law above
law above father in use
you won't ever win
since i can't ever lose.

November 02, 2010 10:30am Tuesday

3 days before Diwali. It's going to be dark. Way I see it, I have to make rent first before I can make the Goddess of wealth happy. Well, Diwali has been a rich man's festival for some time now. Days are getting shorter...
Just had an anxiety attack; prayed. Surrendered to the pain of love. Maybe later I'll know the pain as my reason to live but right now it hurts like brain surgery to a rabbit! Need help.

Once I get out of here, what will it be like?

Who is this man you profane?

Who is this man you profane
Can you look him in the eye
And explain why brides cry?
Justify why you can't
Once again try or even
Understand the things
He can and the difference
Between the past and a plan

I Wish We Never Fought

Every time you start to scream

Is it revenge for how your life has been?

Every time you walked out it was

Another rehearsal for a broken dream

You got my baby with you

Remember when you were my baby

This winter has been especially hazy

And living without you is driving me crazy

Inside I still believe in our love

Outside everyone tells me otherwise

I just pray to the lord above

I hear just what in your voice

Turning me inside out

Wondering to shout or not

Maybe I’ve just lost a lot

Of blood as well as the plot

Yes, your love’s in my veins

Just like a blood clot

I swear by the way it pains

I wish we never fought

Tearing me apart

Right from the start

Everyone did their part

But it was a bad start

Now I stare at the moon

Now I see my own wound

Now I’ll do what I could

Not do when I knew I should

Yes, your love is in my veins ß veins

Just like a vacant slot ß vacant slot

In loves lost ill-gotten gains ß ill-gotten gains

Against common in law refrains ßcommon in law refrains

But I swear by the way it pains

I wish we never fought

You SEE

I and you, you and I

We had to try

We had to try and be

The worst we could be

Since then living with me

Can’t say it’s done much

Obviously your love’s free

Even though it’s my baby

I thought we could manage

Start a family of three

Till your father made you realize

Money was more important than me

CH:

Now you’ve gone and

Nights are long without

These parts of me

I never stopped

Loving you

You see

Since I am not your lover

There can be no other

Feels like I should die without you

But that’s such an old-fashioned thing to do

I never knew I would be like this

If only I knew back then I wish

I had to soften in the face of loss

And learn in love pride’s hogwash.

Fading like an old TV set

Loosing colour till a point of light

Hums in your ear and dissappers

If I knew that to say

I would not privately stay

Me fading in places that

Never saw the light of day

17 October

Small changes like seeing the afternoon sun (and moon) after months. Walking from GK2 to Nehru Place like I used to when I lived in CR Park.

Back home to feed the dog and listen to reggae records. I am trying to regain a little Buddha-nature and not be impressed by the world and people in front of me. I finally have a fully internal loop on which my train of thought runs. I no longer need look for askance or justification for my existence.

I occur because I am. I no longer wonder about other human beings around. This little ledge of peace took days of climbing up the wet hillside crying in the rain. Now I can reach into darkness and feel the empty other side. I hope to imbibe some of the darkness. It will be my home as well.

This is the sweetest and strangest sadness of my life. To leave the dead and carry on isn’t as hard as leaving the living to carry on. I must love myself since there is no one living with me whom I can talk to.

Suggestive Type!

I grew a little tired of my daily writing and editing job and wanted to break away from the sound of words and the syllables associated with the very alphabet itself (in the English language). Since I have always liked typography, I grabbed an ordinary stencil and pen and this time stared at the letters till I was seeing shapes instead of sounds. I did find new meaning in this sparse idiom. Incidentally,  'A finger pointing at the moon is not the moon,' is the punchline to a zen koan and is worth remembering.

Gossiping Monks

'A finger pointing at the moon is not the moon itself.'

Suggestive Type!

Effluent

Suggestive Type!

Punching Bag

Baggy Paunch

Maternity

Bastard

Motherhood

Suggestive Type!

Assembly Line 

C-U-M Together

just...

Suggestive Type 3

Suggestive Type 4 (Involving Armchair)

Suggestive Type 5

C-U-M Together In Harmony

Suggestive Type!

2B or not 2B

Feeding Fish

Traffic Warden

EQistrian

R U OK?

Walking My Dog

My series called Suggestive Type

IC

Look No 'G'

suggestive type1

untitled

Keyboard

untitled

suggestive type 2

untitled

JUNIOR

I used to fondly ask,' Is there a lion at the bottom of the garden?'  Now there is a dog at the corner of the painting!

Two Cans And A Quarter

When I first saw you

There were so many things

I wanted us to do

Then you told me

We too were three

That’s when I knew

I could never be free

Way things were then

I was an in-law out-law

And in and out the door

You went

Then she arrived

I thought she was heaven sent

CH:

Two cans and a quarter

I know I’ll never see my daughter

Her folks sure taught her

After he makes you

Don’t break the mould

Just kill the potter

Two cans and a quarter

My father-in-law is such a rotter

If you got someone you want to ...

Just [ insert name here ] and holler!

Why do I see red feet

All across this floor

Why do you don’t

Want me anymore

I thought love was

The reason I had

Now it’s just another reason

For going mad

For years I’ve waited for this moment. Since I loved you, I’ve been wanting to find ways to tell you that I love you. I couldn’t and do not want to ever loose you. Yes, I have been greedy, selfish, lacking in self control and financially and typically late.

But I'm dedicated and now I have proved that I know what I want and I know how to get it. It’s a plum job. My career is back on track and I will be earning more than ever before. I know I have reason to be proud but somehow when I do it for you it’s just duty. I love you and want the best for you (both). I just hope you can put your chin up in the knowledge that your husband is-

9th August 2010

8:45pm

Back from Gurgaon in busses for an interview with blisters on both my soles. Nothing new; I’ve been walking on pain since I used to roller skate on empty street roads as a kid back in Daman. I would keep going till I got blisters under my blisters. At times they bled, still I would go on for kilometers just because I did not want to come back home. That was when the parents fought a lot.

It’s not blisters but muscle cramps that are bothering me. Since the afternoon and after I am back now, I’ve been getting cramps in my hands and feet. Even as I write this, I am forced to throw down the pen and flex my hand before it jams. (Owwwgha!!!) Another round of this interview in the morning, Heck! I’ve been up last night and today morning in the bus reading up on instructional design to prepare for it.

‘Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience better.” – Siddartha , Herman Hesse.

IAMNOTPISSED

IAMDIS-EN-FRANCHISED!

When there’s no one else around

And I am quite alone, sad and broke

When everything I knew has changed

Why should I still be provoked?

Everything shakes when I think

How much longer must I live like this?

I can’t reach the ones I love

I must stay alive and wish

I thought love was the reason I had

Sometimes what you love can make you mad

Stuck between ghosts, memories and duties

I knew I had it coming to me

I don’t believe in tomorrows

The better I get the less I wonder

About the laws of life and nature

Life’s limits make me glad

Nothing and no one can last forever.

(Perhaps) Life Portrayed

27 July 2010

6:25pm

Quite alone, sad and broke; has to be one of the lowest times in my life. Today evening I shall meditate on God to keep my mind calm. I must not struggle. Everyone has been removed and I am on my own. Now to find work and keep myself alive for the rest of my life.

28^th

5:40pm

Things shake at times and I still go through my job hunting, food, washing chores. Money’s over. Gave some old rice to the maid. I’ve learned that I no longer have a background that I can depend on. All I can do is take which ever opportunity that comes and save myself. I’m not doing to good but at least there’s no cold sweat and fever like two nights ago. Had another bout of whatever it was in the afternoon today. Prayed and stared at plants till I could get moving and so I made some food for me and the dog after that.

29^th

10:00 am

I must stop these feelings of desperation and anxiety. I must slow my breathing and not gasp. I must remain calm. “It’s the same old fight, win or lose, it’s the same abuse.” As Radha said, I should only talk after getting a job. I’m scared that I am getting tired chasing bigger jobs instead. I’m not sure what I am saying will come about.

Everybody has been drilling so much of what I must do that I no longer know what I want. One thing is clear, I was not meant to live like this. All this while, I’ve been trying to perform my duties without being selfish about success. So now my duties are removed or as a failure, I can no longer perform my duties to myself. Everyday swings between boredom, fear, simple actions to keep me going and frequent tears. So I know that since I am alone, I won’t take a job that will make me less than what I am. I should also become a little harder on others in this foolish game we play called life. Right now I have to stop my wildly lurching mind and heart. I must not feel so bad about being alone. I must fight it. I will always be along. I will die along. Since I am a loner, most people cannot bear to see my tears. All the strife I’ve had is somehow an ideal learning battleground but definitely not the pasture I wish to own.

I will find work. I will struggle till things look up. I will find my self-respect. I will find my pride and joy. I will stop trusting new comers in my life. I must reach deep into the game and pocket the loot. I will find the maturity required to painfully build (or re-build) over a long time instead of the momentary pleasure of breaking them down.

MORE: BLACK MOON FROM JUNE

48 kilos of metal

18 (20kg) sacks of clothes

10 kilos of electronic circuitry

2 tvs

1 sewing maching

One bucket in the wake of the flood

WNEAIDETYEPCAEFCXIOM

Two Perspectives from the Same Night

I don’t believe in tomorrows. All my competence eliminates wonder. Lifes limits make me glad we live in a round world. Gods, ghosts, memories and duties; I’m not going to be of much help today. I am sick, tired, drunk, befuddled, disheartened and mortally afraid of how lightly words which will kill my daughter still float around to be fed and raised by others.

I wonder what Junior is dreaming? Does he dream of rabbits he’s never seen? Or does he dream of me, after all we’ve seen fourteen years together. Oh, he is my dog and I love him! While the breeze ruffles his tail fur just so. Where does this gush of love come from, o lord? Or is it just his impeding bath that motivates me so.

Every Man’s Wish

Somewhere there’s a place where I can stride or stroll freely at will. Where I can have absolute authority or complete humility towards my fellow man and before nature;  say sunsets?

Ignorance Wiss Blas!

30 June 2010 Wednesday

Yesterday was my baby’s first birthday. A momentous occasion for most fathers except me. I was absent. Walking gloom in search of a job, selling things I used to be proud of to maintain and dreading the noisy emptiness. One of those few situations when the castle walls shriek at the ghost within.

Never felt so bad before.

Glad to let the pain wake me to the world that I ignored. Ignorance wass bliss. Now I’m counting coins looking at old photographs of real people who broke down along the way and sold everything they could. Today evening’s call centre interview for debt consolidation tele-marketeers. Night shifts, five days a week. I hope I have money left to buy bread after printing out my bio.

One part of me is linked to the past and rends its clothers and wails while the other takes it firmly by the shoulders and says, ‘Look, small steps first. Trial interview, okay? Let’s see how it goes.’ Will her mother think I got over my initial stumbles or will she point out that I started on the wrong foot? How much of me is drifting in the winds of others opinion? How much should I discard on being told. I know this; one stage is over and I’m still clearing the just before the next.

reggae

Why would a ‘dangerous’ 26-year old get into reggae in spite of the fact that all previous orientation has been towards classic heavy metal and raw soft rock hippie song poetry? The answer is one mentor and a broken leg.

What’s so great about Bengali cinema anyway

What’s so great about Bengali cinema? Anyway. It’s all very copybook, studious and done with an inward grunt of intensity. Agreed, there are moments when the sense of borderline suggestiveness can drive you crazy enough given privacy and good breezy weather, but by then you are just as likely to wake up in a Merchant-Ivory production. Perfect for afternoons on clerical holidays and idle moments counting the number of thick black spectacle frames you can spot.

When you grow up

Will you remember how

From sunup to sundown

You made your mother frown

Do you see Lucy in the sky?

Do you remember the flowers?

In the garden, butterflies,

Prams and kitchens?

In the place where I live

Something’s just got to give

Way things are today

Doesn’t leave very much to say

Where

Burning dogs are fed to dead people

While you are too busy by yourself

Trying to bury the same steeple

You once stood on to reach the top shelf

For the things that you desire

That you just must add to the fire

Here’s a plug-in for the pain

That you must try

Here’s a brain that’s struggling’

That just won’t run dry

There’s somebody coming

Why won’t they come in?

Is it that day of the week,

Can you hear the babies grumbling?

Before they can even speak

Solomon’s desire song of a scream

Midnight extraction of your dream

Due to this typical technical failure

We interrupt your screen.

The wind in my face
Tells me again,
'this is my place'
Between what's left behind
On empty roads unwind
Race the fears on your mind

Till the wind dries my tears
And my skull dissolves as I bend
Around a blank curve, another turn
'This is it!' The urge that I yearn
Easing up a bit to give me time to learn

Yes; once we rode amid equals
But then life added some sequels
Change a cog, drop a sprog from a winter snog
Like your mother said, em cee square equals me
Since you ain't interested, my dreams are now free

Lift my foot off the pedal
Feel I deserve a medal
Another night, ride, anyway
All mine; Am my own hero
Running on empty if less than zero.